She licks herself She licks my face She licks my face after she licks herself She eats dog food She begs for table food She eats meat She eats cheese She eats pie She eats poop She eats dead things Her breath smells like meat cheese pie dead things and poop She runs up to me when I come home from school She chews up my homework She chews up Dad’s shoes She chews bones She buries bones She buries Dad’s shoes She sleeps at the foot of my bed She dreams she’s running Her little paws wave in the air She snores
She walks on a leash She wears a collar with tags A cat collar actually but she doesn’t know that She marks her territory She runs alongside my bike She chases cats and squirrels She plays with dogs She sniffs them She gets in fights She gets fleas She plays Fetch She plays Tug-of-War She catches Frisbees She sleeps inside a little doghouse with her name painted on it She runs for help when I fall in a river and break my foot She takes care of me when I’m laid up with a broken foot She defends me from evil She’s loyal steadfast and true She needs me
In other words she acts like a dog She isn’t a dog though She’s a fat orange guinea pig with a white mohawk My best friend Murphy calls her a guinea dog After Fido rescued me from the river and took care of me and kept me company while I got better I stopped minding that she wasn’t an actual dog I didn’t care that she was a guinea dog She was my guinea dog and I wouldn’t trade her for anything Then my foot got better and I was forced to go back to school
2 My guinea dog waits at the front door her leash in her mouth Sorry Fido I say We’re not going for a walk I have to go back to school She whimpers and paws at my bulky black medical boot which fits over my cast and helps me walk I’ve been getting around okay using it and my crutches so long as Fido doesn’t trip me up I’ve got her Dad says from behind me He kneels down and scoops her up We’re going to be just fine today without Rufus aren’t we Fido He tickles her fat orange neck She pants Dad has sure changed his mind about Fido since Mom first brought her home Somehow she won him over She did the same thing to me
