The Wonderful Baron Doppelgänger Device

The Wonderful Baron Doppelgänger Device — page 7 — I spent the rest of my time in Louisiana with so many bandages wrapped around me that I looked like a mummy All I could do was lie there and moan wishing that the accident had happened closer to Halloween Anyway the children were all laughing at me because our teacher had asked us each to give an oral report on what we did over the weekend My teacher really likes assigning us reports to present to the class but for some reason she never seemed to enjoy hearing mine I guess it’s because I often give reports about the adventures that I have with my inventor parents and their assistant Rose Blackwood And I suppose that our adventures must sound a bit ridiculous to most people They sound pretty ridiculous to me as well If I wasn’t there to experience them there’s no way I’d believe they were real In fact even though I had been there to experience them I’m still not 100 percent certain that they were real Suddenly there was knocking at the schoolhouse door As Miss Danielle went to answer the door I slipped for no reason and bumped my head on the edge of her desk before scurrying back to my seat in the corner of the room Why did I slip and bump my head I don’t know You might as well ask me why the grass is green why the sky is blue and why you get that gross crusty stuff in the corners of your eyes after a good night’s sleep I know that there are perfectly reasonable scientific answers to all those questions But I don’t know them just as I don’t know why it is that I happen to be the clumsiest two-legged creature on planet Earth The whole class watched with interest as Miss Danielle opened the schoolhouse door We never had visitors in the middle of the day Standing in the open doorway with a stack of books in his hands was a short kid with curly black hair Even though he was dressed the

The Wonderful Baron Doppelgänger Device — page 8 — same way that most of us were dressed the other kids in class all turned to each other to whisper about how funny looking the new kid was I turned and pretended to whisper to my friends too even though I don’t have any friends and even if I did I would have nothing to whisper to them I didn’t think the new kid was particularly funny looking He just looked like any other kid To be honest he looked boringly average like the sort of kid who would easily blend into the crowd while walking down the street It wasn’t as though he had an eye patch or a mustache or a wooden nose or something Class Miss Danielle said as she led the new kid to the front of the schoolhouse this is Belford Eustace Nigel Egbert Doolittle Ignatius Cattermole Threepwood Whitestone the Third He will be joining our class Please make him feel welcome That was our cue to give the new student a round of applause but our hands were all frozen in shock as we stared in disbelief at the poor kid who sounded as though he had been named after the entire British army I suppose Waldo wasn’t that bad of a name after all The new kid’s cheeks turned as red as a freshly picked apple Actually he said to Miss Danielle as he cleared his throat if you don’t mind I prefer to be called B W I smiled Nonsense said Miss Danielle as she led B W to his new seat You have a perfectly wonderful name Belford Eustace Nigel Egbert Doolittle Ignatius Cattermole Threepwood Whitestone the Third In fact I quite like saying it It’s sort of like a tongue twister I wonder if I can say it five times fast Belford Eustace Nigel Egbert Doolittle Ignatius Cattermole Threepwood Whitestone the Third Belford

The Wonderful Baron Doppelgänger Device — page 9 — Eustace Nigel Egbert Doolittle Ignatius Cattermole Threepwood Whitestone the Third Beltnerd Birdsnest Egnelforp oh drat Let me try again Belford Eustace Nigel Egbert Doolittle While our teacher entertained herself by repeating the new kid’s name as quickly as she could B W sat beside me and took a shy glance at the rest of the class The other children continued to whisper about him taking the time to point and chuckle so B W would know for certain that they were whispering about him Why are they doing that B W whispered to me I don’t know I whispered back Oh Do you know what they’re saying I’m not sure I’ve never been a part of the whispers before Maybe they’re discussing the best way to hide their webbed toes and hairy backs during the summertime B W giggled Maybe Or maybe they’re discussing the most effective way of using their thumbs to remove their earwax I snickered Or maybe they’re discussing Waldo Baron and Belford Eustace Nigel Egbert Doolittle Ignatius Cattermole Threepwood Whitestone the Third stop whispering to one another Miss Danielle ordered Otherwise I’ll have to separate you two I looked over at B W and smiled He looked back at me and smiled as well together Nothing helps two kids become friends like getting into trouble

The Wonderful Baron Doppelgänger Device — page 10 — When the teacher announced that class was over the other children quickly poured out of the schoolhouse B W and I were the last two students left That’s because B W was being given a special homework assignment by Miss Danielle and I had somehow managed to get my belt stuck in my desk I am assigning you an oral report to give to the class tomorrow Miss Danielle was telling B W I expect your report to last at least thirty minutes Does it matter how slowly I speak B W asked Miss Danielle thought for a moment No I suppose it doesn’t But I want your report to include a full description of where you used to live the school you used to attend what you like to do for fun what your parents do for a living and what you would like to accomplish while here at Pitchfork School All of that B W asked with a frown But what if I can’t remember some of those things belt You could just make them up I suggested while I tugged at my Absolutely not Miss Danielle loudly declared turning up her nose in disgust as though I had just suggested B W go on a cross country crime spree If you tell lies as your friend W B often does when he gives his ridiculous reports about his family you will become well acquainted with the corner of the classroom as well as the inside of the dunce cap

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